One image never fails to come to me at the mention of the name Amsterdam. That image would be a big pile of chunky pink Amsterdam puke. It’s possible to loose focus and forget to visit the cultural marvels of Amsterdam, such as the Anne Frank or Van Gogh museums, but one thing you can be sure of, you’ll find at least one pile of this famous vomit. I’ve yet to come up with the combination of food, drink, or drug to produce this local masterpiece, although I’ve managed to narrow it down to three certainties. First, Amsterdam, well Europe in general, has some damn fine beer. The Heineken Brewery is located in Amsterdam, and after an educational tour of the site, Heineken can be sampled abundantly. Second, for a budget traveler, Amsterdam has got some of the worst food I’ve ever tasted in Europe. If you like open faced sandwiches of day old tuna covered in corn, or a perfectly good tomato and mozzarella spoiled by a limp and suspicious looking dead fish, and then consider yourself in heaven. I assume that the pricier sit down restaurants offer better fare, but for one reason or another, I’ve always found myself in Amsterdam on a shoestring. And third, almost any drug can be found and consumed (some legally, others illegally) in Amsterdam. Marijuana and magic mushrooms are legal, however everything else is not. Be advised to stay away from street vendors. You’ll recognize them by the loud clicks or hisses they make while attaching themselves to your elbow.

Amsterdam is well known by most international travelers for two things: sex and drugs. Most Dutch people roll their eyes in exasperation when the topics are brought up. They tend to be very serious and health conscious people. But most tourists express at least a little curiosity about the infamous Red Light District. I was 17 the first time I visited Amsterdam. As a young girl from the Midwest who managed to wander into the Red Light District, I was in complete awe at the unbridled sleaziness of the place. The narrow streets are peppered with doors containing scantily clad prostitutes of every size, color, and nationality, their costumes glowing in black light. The red lights above the glass doors give this part of the city its name. If the working girl is busy with a client, she simply pulls a curtain over the door. Prostitution is legal in Amsterdam, and the ladies have access to excellent public healthcare. This does not mean, however, that anyone should even consider having unprotected sex with a prostitute, or anyone else for that matter. Buyer beware: I had a male friend who visited Amsterdam, and after much consideration, decided to try the wares of, as he put it, “The most beautiful and leggy blonde he’d ever seen.” After some heavy petting, he discovered, much to his surprise and chagrin, that “she” was in fact “he.” He left quickly, without stopping to see if he could get his money back.

The overall atmosphere of the District is that of the raunchy underbelly of society. This is not a place that focuses on love or sensuality, so if you were planning on taking your sweetie there for a romantic Valentine’s Day retreat, you’d best reconsider. In addition to the working girls, it’s possible to patronize many sex shops, vending the most amazing array of ‘everything,’ including videos and magazines. And I’m not talking soft porn like Playboy or Penthouse. If you ever wondered what Benji was up to before his mainstream movie career, or if you’ve ever wondered exactly how sick and gross people can be, these stores can definitely be a learning experience. They also have sex toys and costumes so bizarre that you’re not sure if you should laugh or scream and run away as fast as you can. If you enjoy watching the Discovery channel, or if you missed some days of sex ed class in jr. high, you can visit a live sex show. To be honest, I’ve never been brave enough to go. I do have a very upstanding British friend who, being in Amsterdam for a friend’s bachelor party, was shocked to find his glasses being substituted for more traditional sex toys in a show that proved to be much too interactive for his taste. A place that I found enjoyable and tame enough for me to visit was a sex museum. It was really quite interesting, a chronicle of sex throughout the ages. It had everything from fertility objects, art, cartoons, films, peepshows and some very early pornographic photos, moving up through the ages into the style of porn we’re familiar with nowadays.