If you have not figured that out by now, you haven’t the mental capacity to complete this required reading, and should look into a career as President of the United States.

First of all, I am a programmer. I am not a writer. I suffered through English in school because it lacks consistency. At any given time the rules change, and I’ve always thought of English as an illogical mess (a fact that I always shared with my English instructors). All of my ex-girlfriends were strong English students, so that says a lot. I’m just a black male that gets a kick out of observing everyone self-destruct around me. Life is a game, and I’m that 80 year old man watching from the stands eating a bag of stale popcorn. Slightly buttered for flavor. Once a week, I take these observations and vent about them. It started as a bi-monthly email I used to send to friends that I didn’t have the time to talk to because of a full load at school and 2 jobs. That was in 1998. I’ve pissed off a lot of people since then. Especially with the "Erykah Badu uses Strap-On on Common" Lament and the "Ike Turner: Misunderstood" one. Do I care? Nope. I just call it like I see it at any given time. I think people especially enjoyed the "Pimps Don’t Pay Taxes" series. I could be wrong, but does it really matter? My observations are always up for debate, but it’s really a waste of time. Once I make up my mind, that’s pretty much the end of it. I call it connecting to my feminine side. I also call it being patriotic! Please forward all hate mail to the webmaster.

WuTang is for the kids.

And so is R. Kelly.

Puhleaze. People should not hate on Kelly so much. Yeah, I saw a clip of the "R. Kelly Sex Tape", big deal. It’s not like I condone that madness, sex with children under 17 is just nasty, but I don’t think it was R. Kelly. I think it was Avant. That's right, that was Avant in that video and not R. Kelly. Most of you were fooled because of the drama surrounding Aaliyah, which only made her look like a clingy teenager when it was all said and done. No disrespect to her memory and all, but I would have said that if she was alive. People kill me with that crap. As if you can’t speak badly about the dead. If you were full of shit when you were alive, then people are going to remember you that way. If there is such a thing as an after-life, you’re probably going to be full of shit there, too. Life after shit. Doesn’t matter if you’re walking around alive or not. In either case, Sparkle was mad because she didn’t make enough money off of her first record to fix her teeth, and wants to get more money out of R. Kelly. Poor Robert Kelly. Too bad his music gets more ghetto by the minute. The Remix to Ignition: The dumbest thing I’ve ever heard next to a JaRule record. What in the hell is an R&B Thug anyway?

I figure since this quarter's issue is about sex, it would be appropriate of me to speak about such. But since I haven’t had the time or the patience as of late to deal with the dramas of horizontal joyrides, there's nothing much I can say about it at this time. My last sexual partner was a dumbass, the one before that was quite the intellect (met her during vacation), but the one before her was a clingy dumbass, and the one before that one was a self-absorbed dumbass. At this point I’m really overdue for another intellectual type. Add to the fact that sex normally gets me caught in some of the most ignorant pitfalls: Ex-Boyfriends that want me shot, mothers that want me beat up, and a little kid that wants me to take her away from her psychotic mother. Add insult to injury, I have the uncanny ability to meet some of the most intelligent women in this country (world if you count Anya, but I won’t)....too bad none of them live in my city.

Introducing Jaycee. Prime Example.

And add to the fact that I always find myself mildly attracted to lesbians. But I guess the rule is true, we always find ourselves wanting the things we cannot have.

But let’s not talk about those things. In these modern times of self-destruction and popular immaturity, sex is the second most motivating force in a young man's life, coming only second to money, and followed by material items. Black America is degrading people, and you all have one person to blame....JaRule. When a young man decides he's tired of being focused on those things, he turns 30 and gets married to the first woman that can complete an intelligent thought.....talk about slim pickings. Am I describing myself as well? Hell no. Well, a little. But please read the paragraph above where I lack the time and patience. This clearly makes me the oddball in many circles, and I just don’t have the patience to care.

There are many things that inspire a Lamont’s Lament: The chick that was home all day and decided to go to a fast food restaurant and complain. Though it was her own fault that she decided to come out of the house hungry because she skipped breakfast and was too lazy to prepare a snack for herself...being pissy with the dumbass teenage boy behind the counter, because he had a long line of other idiots that were trapped in the same scenario. Granted, I was one of those idiots, but I digress. Why do we wait until we we're hungry as hell to eat? And then go to a fast food joint? Knowing that McDonald's is best eaten while sitting on the toilet.

There are other things that inspire a Lament.

Introducing J.C. Watts. Prime Example.

I've always spoke of Black Republicans as an oxymoron. Ranks up there with "articulate 50 Cent." J.C. Watts annoys the hell out of me. I’ve always considered him as the poster child for neo-Black Conservatism, and a punk for playing the “good ole boy” role during the Trent Lott media blitz. I mean I won’t be as harsh as to refer to him as a “frustrated slave crawling back to the plantation” (see John Henrik Clarke), but I have a personal distaste for the man. And every time I see him do or say something stupid, believe you me I’m going to call it out. I will give him this though, he's no Mike Tyson. Now that’s a stupid man.

Do I think that Black America has a pre-determined set of opinions that only allow Blacks to be Democrats or Liberals? Hell no, that would be limiting and just not my way. I do think that while under a Democratic Administration (Clinton), a lot of programs that helped disadvantaged children (of all races) were seen about. The same programs that are now being wiped away by pseudo-President George "G-dub" Bush. Do I think that Republicans are attempting to paint that picture of Democrats taking advantage of that statement above in the eyes of Black America so that we will turn our backs on the Democratic Party? Hell yes. Are they fairly accurate? Yes, again. Are all Presidential Elections from now on going to be "the lesser of two evils"? Yes. Is Bush a complete waste? Yes. Does Condie Rice seem like she'd be quite the vixen in bed? Sadly, yes.